A new wave of sexual exploration has hit China’s Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding. And thank God for that, since giant pandas are about the least sexual mammals on earth, and a low birth rate is a direct result.
It’s not that they’re prudish or that they shy away from sexy time because of moral or physical problems. But male pandas are just too damn lazy. Not only that, they actually suffer from performance anxiety! Who knew pandas and people had so much in common?
As a 2006 editorial pointed out, pandas “are famously bad at sex. Even in the wild pandas do not mate much… Little wonder no respectable family of animals wants them. For a while zoologists reckoned they were distant relatives of raccoons.”
And the Chinese aren’t exactly happy about this failure for them to get it on. As Fox News put it, “if China is going to make money, these guys need to have babies.” So when Viagra didn’t work, the Chengdu’s research base went out on a limb, showing pandas specially made panda porn in hopes of turning them on. And it worked!
Pandas are as voyeuristic as the next guy. “We arrange lovemaking between two excellent pandas in front of the inexperienced pandas, which have never had sex. It does work,” says the deputy chief of the base. How cute, they refer to it as “lovemaking.” This isn’t simply panda sex, people… it’s love.
Riding the porn success wave, the base then introduced a new form of panda “sexercise” (see above). In what looks like a bizarre dance routine, workers are “making male pandas walk on two legs to strengthen their hip muscles and better prepare them for sex.”
Porn and a bit of hip-muscle cultivation may in fact save an entire species.
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