All In Your Head?
Many cases of low libido are physical, but just as many are psychological. You will be amazed at how much your sex drive “wakes up” when you mentally and emotionally will it to come alive. But how to conquer that psychological block? First you need to know which mental and/or emotional factor is messing with your love life.
Here are some common psychological libido-killers. Some of these we’ve already talked about; but guess what: repetition is the key to learning. Repetition is the key to learning. Repetition is – okay, you get it.
Cultural factors – This is usually the way you were raised to think about sex, but it can also be the way your friends feel about sex. Say you’re raised in a strict religious household where sex was “evil”. You suffer from low libido because your brain was trained to think sex is “bad”. Or maybe you have a circle of married friends who love to get together and complain about sex and how annoying their husbands are; after a few months of their company, you may find your libido (and your respect for your husband) on a swift decline.
Low self-esteem/poor body image – We already know this one – if you don’t feel sexy, you won’t want sex. Maybe there’s something you hate about your body, so you don’t like to undress in front of your husband; maybe you were emotionally abused as a child. A feeling of worthlessness leads to low libido.
A history of sexual trauma – If you’ve been sexually abused in the past, that can create a deep, dark fear of sexual intimacy. This makes intimacy – even with a loving partner – extremely difficult, almost traumatizing.
Mental health problems – The biggies are anxiety and depression. Other examples are OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) or ADD (attention deficit disorder). Example: if you have ADD you may not be able to concentrate enough to enjoy sex.
Stress - Most married couples with sex problems report a high level of stress, specifically financial or work-related. Stress actually has physiological effects – meaning it messes with your body. We’ll talk more about the physical symptoms of stress later.
Conflict with your partner – To get horny, we really need those feel-good chemicals flowing. If all is not well in the world of your marriage, one of the first side-effects you’ll notice is a lack of sex.
Low libido often has an underlying emotional reason; here are some examples:
- A lack of emotional connection with your partner – if you don’t feel loved or appreciated, you’ll hardly ever desire sex with your man.
- Unresolved fights – you’re still stewing over the huge blow-out you and your husband had last week. He said some pretty awful things (well, so did you) and never apologized; when he asked for sex a few days later, you took a mean pleasure in saying no.
- Poor communication about sex – you only come on top, but are too shy to tell your husband. He prefers missionary, you don’t climax, and you end up resenting your husband as a lousy lover; you lose interest in sex because you never orgasm.
- Infidelity or dishonesty – cheating is a huge libido-killer; but even smaller acts of dishonesty can make things chilly between the sheets. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.
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