Most people would think that sex toys came about when the first vibrator was invented in the 1800s, but really they have been in existence since 33,000 BC. Our ancestors were just as kinky as we are, but they had to rely on marble, ivory and olive oil to get them off. Fortunately, we’ve seen a lot of improvement in the past 35,000 years. In fact, the sex toy industry went from ads in Sears and Roebach magazines to a massive 15 billion dollar industry. The industry is expected to keep growing and surpass cell phone sales by 2020. Who would have thought? But unfortunately with growth comes the necessity for new products and creativity and with that comes some very scary toys. Let’s take a look at some of the weirdest toys on the market today.
It weirds me out every time I see it. Is this the gift you give the atheist or devout Christian in your life? Do you want to feel closer to God? Is butt cleanliness next to Godliness? I’m not sure, but maybe you can use this this Christmas? Mozal tov.
Are you worried about the dowry falling through? Can’t let your future husband or judgemental boyfriend know that you’ve been slipped the sausage before? Don’t worry, you can solve all your problems by simply shoving this plastic sack filled with ‘realistic” looking hymen blood up inside of you. It will break when you “lose’ your virginity and your man will rejoice as he is slowly covered in your syrupy goodness.
Are you sick of reaching into your pantry and pulling out a Cup of Noodles and finding actual noodles inside? Yeah, me too. So frustrating, I just want to shove my johnson into a cup that looks like it contains noodles and I don’t feel like I’m asking for much. Luckily the great people of Japan heard my cry and designed the Cup Nude. This baby looks like a Cup of Noodles but has a flesh light inside AND even comes with lube that looks like a seasoning packet. My God, Santa does exist!
Get a Hot Doll for the hot dog in your life. Man’s best friend just wants to hump and we shouldn’t restrict them. I for one have had enough of the dog humping censorship that our great nation has been enforcing. Fortunately, the French are on our side and developed the Hot Doll for our dog’s pleasure. Free your leg and your dog and give them one of these plastic shaped dogs designed to endure hours of shameless humping. Sick of your dog doing the whole neighborhood and having to pay for all of its child support? This toy can solve all of your problems.
Are you sick of going down on your partner in the dark and losing their genitalia? So tricky to find all of their bits when its pitch black. Never fear, you can now see everything, just like if the lights were on and you can look like a really awesome call center representative! Just pick up one of these handy dandy oral sex lights. They’ll light up your life and every crease in your genitalia. So hot.
Weird, huh? No? You’re into it? Okay, that’s cool, too. I mean whatever works right? Me? Er.. no. I think I’ll just stick to Adam & Eve’s nipple clamps and vaginal pillaging. Thanks though.
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